Since turning twenty five back in March, I can now officially say I’m in my mid twenties. I’m a single mother, unemployed, living in my home town. At my bleakest moments, I feel what I call “the fear.” This isn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want to be back here, on my own, with a child and no job prospects. I wanted to be so much more ever since I was a small child. I dreamed of getting away, seeing the world and yes, I’ve had a few holidays but it’s hardly the same.
As bloggers we always focus on what our hopes and dreams are, and apart from the odd mention of a spider phobia no one ever really mentions what they’re afraid of. Well I’m afraid of a lot of things, and I mean a lot. Being single and separated from my closest friends means I rarely get to air the things i’m afraid of. I’ve been sick lately and this has caused my mind to wander and worst of all, it’s caused me to think about all the things i’m afraid of in the future. Not just my ex, or the possibility of illness, yes they keep me awake at night but they don’t fit into what I call “the fear.”
The fear for me is worrying that because I’m trapped up in the north I’ll loose my friends. I used to always be the one who could just upsticks and go visit. Now I can’t and with each passing day my parents get more reluctant to look after Little Miss over night for me. I haven’t seen two of my friends since May, my other best friend, since August. I worry I’m always missing out on things because I can’t just sit up late and chat to them face to face. I miss them like crazy, every day. Sometimes a form of social media just isn’t enough. I’m so afraid because I don’t feel I can function without them.
The fear for me is also that I will never amount to nothing. That I will always only be good for a waitress and that scares me. I want to be more than that. I want to earn enough money to support my daughter and be something. I’m taking evening classes because I want a real job, one where I can earn money.. where I can give my daughter everything she deserves and more. But the economy scares me. The fact that people with first class degrees can’t even get a part time job at the moment! What chance do I stand?
The fear for me is that one day my little girl will come to resent me because of the fact I am her only constant in her life. That her father has no real contact with her and that I made sure that it was court ordered. I know it’s 100% for the best but what if she doesn’t see that? What if she would of wanted me to try harder with her father? Even though I did, I tried my hardest and gave it my all.. What if she hates me for it. What if she doesn’t believe that it was for the best? That what he did to us is unforgivable. That she and I deserves better..
And the fear for me is that I will never be able to love again. I’m so afraid that history will repeat itself that I’m unsure I’ll ever be able to jump again. Not that it matters. I never go out the house to meet anyone anyway and I guess the biggest fear for me of all is that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. That I’ll never have anymore children, I’ll never get to feel happy while being pregnant and i’ll never get to have a real family. The husband, the children.. the works. I’m so afraid i’ll never feel love again. That being alone is my life sentence.
I know I should be grateful for all I have.. and I am. I am so thankful for my beautiful little girl even if she drives me up the wall some days. I’m thankful for my half decent health and my home and my family and of course my friends who put up with all my weird insecurities. But I am still afraid and no matter how much I tell myself it’s all in my head.. when I’m alone it sneaks up on me. It suffocates me and consumes me. I want to take control of it. I want to conquer my fear. I just want everything to be okay. But no one knows what tomorrow brings and until someone invents a way to reassure us in our darkest moments, I’ll just have to continue to look for inspirational quotes on Pinterest to help keep my sanity.
What are you afraid of?