When I came back from the states, I had a bit of an identity crisis. Looking back on it, almost 6 weeks later, I know there were a lot of factors that resulted in me sliding back into the black pit of hopelessness. But as a mother, every time I do end up here again, I don’t have the option of crawling back under my quilt and spending the day there. Yes, I take naps whenever I can (mainly because when I feel like this, my insomnia is particularly bad) but I don’t get a “day off” pursay. So instead, I fake it. I’ve had to fake confidence in myself for so long now that I know exactly what I need to do to put on a smile for all the other mum’s at pre-school, for my own mum because she doesn’t need the stress and worry that I might possibly fall off the band wagon again.. At the time I feel like the whole world is against me, that everyone I know and love hates me. I can’t sleep and I end up panicking. Even though when my head is swimming and I feel like I’m being pricked all over with a needle.. I cling to my silver lining, my Little Miss and the one true reason I’m still living. She is the shining light that helps me get a hold of myself again. She pushes me to fake it until I can stand tall again. She doesn’t know it, but she keeps me sane when I feel like I’m going crazy. In reality, that is a lot of pressure on a three year old, thankfully I’ve devised some other ways to help me fake confidence that allows me to pull through day to day.
Making Yourself Up
I can always tell when I’m heading down hill again because I have no interest in putting make up on for anything. I hate most things about my face so I seem to always put it on, but when I’m in that place, I don’t. Which is stupid because I always feel so much better about myself when I do have make up on. When I sit and take the time to do my make up, I feel great, I feel confident and I take a million selfies. Yes, it’s completely superficial but it’s the confidence boost I need to go out and face the world.
Listening to an Uplifting Spotify Playlist
I have a playlist on Spotify that is purely of Disney songs, it’s now over 3 hours long. So if I wake up in the morning and I don’t feel great, I listen to it while I get ready to face the world. There is something uplifting about Disney songs, even the villains ones. I don’t know if it’s because I can sing along, or the music, or the meaning behind the lyrics. Maybe it’s because Disney is my safe place. Music really does have a magical affect so I can’t recommend enough creating a playlist of songs that lift you up and make you feel good. It doesn’t need to even be Disney, it can be any songs that make you want to sing and dance. What I love with Spotify is that I can even listen to this playlist on the go now without having to pay for premium.
Wearing Beautiful Underwear
This one might seem weird but it works for me. I know that no one can see it, but that’s the point, only you know you’re wearing it. There is nothing that makes me feel more confident about myself than wearing some lacy undies. I’m single, so i’m only doing it for me. I received this beautiful bra from House of Fraser and wearing it gives me complete confidence even though the only person who knows it there is me. It’s a Ciao Bella Balconette Bra* RRP £30, it’s lightly padded and fits perfectly. It’s so pretty that I feel pretty in it and that’s confidence I don’t usually have. When wearing it I feel like walking taller. For me pretty lingerie is always worth the investment, even as a single girl.
Talking About Something You Love
It’s been proven that talking about Mental Health helps, however it can also bring you further down before it builds you back up again. Instead if you need a quick boost of confidence, talk about something you love. A few weeks back when I was feeling low and bored everyone to death with talking constantly about our trip. It was probably overload for them but I needed to relive it to make myself feel better. Thankfully those who loved me knew this and bit their tongue. When I’m anxious I force myself to focus on one good thing and talk about that, it helps to push the negatively back enough to allow me to face the world for a while without reducing me to a mess.
Reading Pinterest Quotes
When I was at my absolute lowest, I did spend a lot of time shut away. Back then LM didn’t go to pre-school an we lived at my mum’s. I spent a lot of time on the Pinterest app rather than on social media and I created a board of quotes. These inspirational quotes have got me through some tough times and I always go back to them. Sometimes if none of my old affirmations are working I look for new ones by searching “quotes about…” whatever topic I want to read a positive quote about. I send them to friends and loved ones that need a boost, like when we lost my Grandad and Grandpa. It’s so cliche but sometimes a quote can say how you’re feeling but much more eloquently than “ARGHHHH FML NOOOOOO”. The above one is one of my all time favourites, and I’m sure I’ve quoted it on here on more than one occasion.
I’m so incredibly thankful that my anxiety is only at it worst when there is something big going on in my life. Last week was Mental Health Awareness Week and I read some truly heart breaking stories of other people coping with their mental health as a way to raise awareness. I’m at a time in my life where with the help of medication I can control the lasting affects of the relationship I was in with my daughter’s father. I have come so far in three years because I decided to seek help. Please, please, if you feel you are struggling mentally in anyway see your GP or nurse.