It’s been a long time since I’ve started typing without knowing where a post is going. But today I decided I just really want to vent to a faceless person rather than have a one on one conversation. I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want someone telling me that how I feel is utter crap. I don’t want someone trying to change my mind. I just want to empty my head in hope that I can function better on a day to day basis.
This weekend while miles away from home my first ever crush and first ever heartbreak walked past me at SFCC. He didn’t even recognise me, or even give me a second glance. But seeing him really brought home that in 14 years my life hasn’t changed that much.
I was between 13 & 14, and it was perfectly okay for me to be his friend. His really good friend. The sort of friend he’d happily spend talking for hours on the phone to every night (showing my age now). We had loads in common. And ill though I’d always felt attracted to him even from the first time I saw him, the more I talked to him the harder I fell.. And when one night I finally got up the nerve to tell him and ask him out, I was no longer good enough for him. I could be his friend but I just wasn’t good enough to be his girlfriend, I wasn’t pretty enough and a few weeks later he asked out one of my best friends and they ended up dating for a couple of years. And it hurt. I spent a long time questioning what was wrong with me, why could someone who clearly enjoyed my company not want to date me. Was I too boring? Was I too fat? Was I not pretty enough? I think a lot of my insecurities extend from this point in my life. It wasn’t the first rejection at school, although I never felt about anyone else at school, I did want to date, I wanted my first kiss. I wanted to be like all the other girls at school. But no one wanted me. By the time I let high school I was a complete mess when it came to guys. My insecurities were through the roof, and this pattern has continued even up to present day.
Although I spent two years being completely off dating, the past year I’ve showed more interest.. Yes it could be down to loneliness. In the past 18 months I have experienced a repeat of the pattern that first started in my early teens. The only two guys I’ve ever felt anything for since my horrible experience with my daughter’s father have left me crushed.
Why is it that I’m only good enough to be their friend? Yes the first time there were extra outside circumstances, but now? This time people have called me out on his feelings, usually I’m the one who is transparent when it comes to a crush, but this time it’s him. But still, I know deep down he doesn’t feel that way for me. And I know it’s because I’m not good enough. Because the girls he does like are personification of beauty, and how could I ever compete? Not only that, I have a kid. I’m ruined. I have someone who will always be my first. Some horrible baggage (not my daughter, I mean my past with my ex) that has left me irreparably damaged.
I’m so tired of being the great friend. The person they can talk to about everything, that offers unconditional love and support, but I’m never good enough to be anything more. I do understand that you can’t help attraction. Like I can’t help being attracted to them, they can’t help not being attracted to me. But why not me? What’s wrong with me? Don’t you miss me? How can I be feeling this way when you feel nothing at all?
I would be a great girlfriend. I would work hard to make you happy when you’re sad and hold your hand when you’re struggling with the weight of the world. I’d listen to your bad days and celebrate your good days with you. I’d never make you second guess anything and I’d say sorry even when it isn’t my fault just because I won’t want to argue with you. I know I’m not very pretty, and I do already have a kid that isn’t yours. Sometimes I feel so sad for no reason and I do bite my nails. I’m terrible for spending hours in the bath but I’m a really good cook. But I’ve never met anyone who makes me feel the way I do like you do, and I just wish I had that affect on you.
Maybe this is all I’m good enough for. Maybe I’ll always be listening to guys I love talk about a girl they love that isn’t me. Maybe no one will ever love me again because maybe I’m not worth loving. But even when you marry that girl that isn’t me, don’t forget all the hours we talked and laughed and cried together. Because I won’t forget.
But even on the days I cry because I don’t get to be that person, I convince myself I’m okay like this. That maybe if I keep on saying it, it might actually be true. I spend a lot of time suppressing that voice in my head that reminds me that in March I’ll be 28.. That I’m not getting younger, that there are younger girls out there so why would anyone want someone like me? Just hearing it makes me have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Some days I am okay with pretending, some days I’m not even pretending, some days I’m just happy being single. That I can accept that this is how it’s always going to be, why even put any effort in trying to make it anything else
Since I was 14, when it comes to guys and relationships, nothing has really changed. There is always someone else better, there is always someone else anyone who I fall for would rather date. And that fear is real of, what if I never meet anyone who I feel connected to, but they also feel the same way about me? Sometimes heart break isn’t about someone we lost, sometimes it’s about someone we never had the chance to have.