Back in February I agreed to take part in Just Singles #3dates3mths, and here I am finally at the end of my challenge. And ho hum, I’m still single. But I won’t lie, I would’t say I was the same person back then.
Last month I took on my last challenge. A tour in Edinburgh and unfortunately I have little to say on it. I ended up in a group of mainly couples and the two guys who weren’t both had girlfriends back in Australia! I guess it was a good idea although it was a little fruitless. Oh well, like Carrie in Sex and the City, I can be in a relationship with Edinburgh since I do love the place so much and try to visit as often as I can.
But aside from my love for a certain Scottish city.. what have I learned about myself from the #3dates3mths challenge? I know now that I’m definitely not okay with being celibate, I do still find the opposite sex attractive and I probably won’t be dabbling in becoming a lesbian. I like men, and although my history is incredibly black marked, I haven’t been put off completely at the idea of a relationship. But am I ready? I don’t really know.
Over the past couple of months, really since the passing of the second year mark since my break up I have been really struggling mentally with the idea of entering into a new relationship. I think I’m terrified, actually, I know I’m terrified of history repeating. Each time I loose a little bit of myself and I’m worried that if it happens again there will be nothing left of me. I’ve spent two years working hard on everything about myself from my mentality to my personal confidence. Should I allow a man to enter my life and destroy all my hard work? We all know relationships aren’t easy, if they were easy I’m sure the world would be filled with rainbows and sunshine because we’d all be happy. Now I have my daughter, do I have the same kind of time I had in the past to focus on making a relationship work? After all, anyone I do have a relationship with will no have the same love and affection of Little Miss that I will have….
The answer is no. I don’t have the time, energy or patience these day. I know what I want and maybe the reason I’m finding it so difficult to mentally prepare myself to date again is because now I’m not willing to settle and I think of all the things I’ve learnt from undertaking the #3dates3mths is this is the biggest.
I don’t want a guy who will make all my decisions for me. I want to continue being my own person. Making my own choices (and mistakes of course), living in my own home and not compromising my happiness because they say so. I want to come first, actually I want my daughter to come first, then myself. Any man would need to take the back seat. I understand this is a tall order but I have had to rebuild a world for not just myself but for my daughter who was only a baby in the beginning from ash and rubble, they have to understand I have come back from nothing. From a mess. And nothing is worth returning to that state.
But in the same light, I don’t want a guy who is agreeable. Who can’t stand on their own feet or look after themselves because at the end of the day, what I miss most is having someone to look after me when I’m struggling to look after myself. I don’t want to be someone else’s mother, I’ve done that. I’ve dated a guy who fed me mince and green peppers (by themselves) the first time he cooked for me then his biggest achievement was making a good hot chocolate. I don’t want to run after someone else. I need them to be able to look after their money and to make adult decisions. I’m done babysitting a boyfriend, I need to be able to give my own child (and any future children) my full attention.
Taking this #3dates3mths challenge has also reminded me that although I am now probably the fussiest person in the world, I am still open to the chance of one day falling in love again. I want marriage, I would love another child. I’m not as jaded as I write myself off as. I’m not empty and I am not dead. I’m just someone who has a lot of issues and even more baggage, but deep down I desperately want someone to come and hold my hand, and not just someone, a guy. A guy who on the days when I just cry lets me get on with it and brings me tea.*
Thank you so much to Tribal Media and Just Singles for putting me on this journey of self discovery and for giving me hope that I’m not broken beyond repair. I promise to keep you all updated on my eternal hunt for that illusive Happily Ever After! Thank you for making me your New Girl, I enjoyed every moment.
And coffee shop guy? yeah he’s gay.
If you want to see all my other #3dates3mths, they’re here.
*He must also be okay with cosplaying every Disney prince to my Disney princesses.