Although today saw my little girl turn three, it’s actually been one of the hardest days of my life. My other grandfather will not be with us much longer, and knowing this but having to smile and put on a show for Little Miss has left me a bit of a mess now she’s in bed. I know it wasn’t just me, my mother was wonderful and put on such a brave face. I only fell apart once, reading the card from my grandparents to LM signed for the last time “Nanny & Grandpa” even just thinking about it now, breaks my heart. And although tomorrow I will be bringing you all the joyful post featuring the photos I have taken as we celebrated her birthday, tonight I just feel the need to write about why I’m glad more than ever I moved home.
I realise that this post might possibly make me a hypocrite having moaned so often about how much I miss the city life. I do still. And more than that I miss living near my friends, so that on a bad day I can just pop around for a hug and a cup of tea rather than sat at my kitchen table crying into an omelet (it happened this evening). But these past two months, loosing first my Grandad, and now this, it has made me release that more than everything I miss about living in a city, I am thankful to be back home.
Although, one of the reasons I am glad to be here is the fact I feel safe and I know that help is on the hand. When I have the flu my mother will have my daughter whenever she can. She’s only down the hill and I see her most days. She can pick LM up from nursery if I have someone in checking my fire alarms (this happened last Friday). If I’m worried or afraid I can call her, my dad or my sister to come make me feel secure in my own home. When I go away on trips my sister is more than happy to look after Elsa. If I lived away like I used to, I’d have no one to come feed my cat. I can’t drive, so having my parents with their three cars (excessive for two people, I know) and my sister with hers means I can have someone help me with my grocery shopping, or if I get caught in the rain.
But the reason I love most of all about living back home, is the fact the most important people in my life are getting the pleasure out of my daughter that they deserve.
I come from an incredibly close and rather large family. My mother is one of five. Growing up I spent more time with my cousins than I did with any friends of my own outside of school because my mother spent a lot of time with her sisters. My mum, my grandparents and two of her sisters still live in the same village, and my other aunt lives in the same town. Only my uncle lives away in the US. Although I have grown apart from a lot of my cousins as our lives take different routes, the majority of them still live here and I do see them on a regular basis. My grandparents and aunts, I see weekly. I cannot even begin to explain the love they all have for my daughter. Seeing LM surrounded by people who would walk over hot coals for her fills me with satisfaction about my choice to move back here. This is feeling has increased tenfolds since loosing first my grandad, and now knowing the end is near for my grandpa. I know I will never feel that guilt of denying them precious time with her. I will always remember that they were able to hold her as a baby, to cuddle her and tell her she was loved. I know the pure undiluted joy she brought to them and I know in my heart that by returning her it gave them those years with them.
A lot of people I know aren’t close to any of their family past their parents, but I am. My grandparents helped raise me, especially as my father worked away from home. We visited my dad’s parents every Sunday and my mum’s parents during the week. They’re great people, and these past two months have shown me that the time I have had with them will one day be nothing more than a memory. Had I stayed away like I had for the 6 years previously, that time would already be a memory, and I would having nothing to remember them in regards to Little Miss. Every day I feel thankful that I made the decision to return home, and I’m reminded that home really is where the heart is.. and for the time being, my heart lies with the people who love my daughter the most.. my family.