Although this morning I have a lot of emails to reply to from the past few days, I didn’t feel like doing them because my head is all overt he place. So instead I’m giving you one of those rambly posts in hope that if I write things down I’ll start to feel better. January always seems to be the time when my mental well being is shot, I explored my insomnia a few years back, and to this date, it’s still worse than ever during this month.
I hate January. I haven’t always hated January, just since my mental health has been in decline post-domestic abuse. I’ve mentioned in the past that I suffer from anxiety and January seems to really make this worse. Last year I had a bit of a break through as to why I hated January and why I always ended up a complete mess. It’s because to me, the whole year is a black hole. There is too much space between now and next year and so much could happen between now and then. Yes, if I sit down and really rationalise, I know that so much good could happen in the next year, but because of the type of anxiety I have, I end up fixated on the bad. Even just writing this I’m having to try and hold myself together.. I’m struggling to breathe and my head is swimming just even thinking about it all, that familiar feeling of going hot and cold as I fight against the fact I could faint at any second. In January this happens a lot. I just need to stop being busy and focused for even a second and I start to fall into the chain of events that results in me lying in bed in floods of tears. In January, I over think.. but at the same time, my communication shuts down. And because I’ve shut down, I spend evening after evening paranoid that everyone hates me.
Maybe everyone does hate me.. but the rest of the year I can focus on the fact that my age I shouldn’t really care. But in January? Nope.. But can I make myself communicate to people, strike up a conversation first or being the one that suggests making plans? Nope. I’m in capable of doing that either. And I hate myself for it. I sit down to reply to messages and I really can’t think of what to say. And that’s not like me. But in January, I have this fear, this mental block that I can’t seem to get passed until I get myself into a routine again. Until I’ve fought off the fear and can focus on the good again. It’s pathetic. I feel pathetic. And the more pathetic I feel, the more paranoid I become. It’s a vicious circle. I love my friends, I work hard all year being there for them, and being supportive of them. But in January, I can’t even mentally support myself past getting dressed some days.
I hate the unknown that a New Year brings. I’m not someone who likes surprises. I like plans, I like to be in the know. I feel comfortable knowing things and in January, the end of the year seems to far away. I don’t know I’ll still have all my loved ones, if I’ll still be friends with my friends, I’m so terrified something will happen to me, or even worse LM that will mean we can’t end the year together. I’m afraid of the unknown, not of new. I can go to a new place, try new foods, take on new challenges but I can’t if they’re unknown. And yes, if I really focus on it, I can force myself to look at the new year as a new challenge, but it takes a lot of energy to keep up this and then I end up exhausted.. and when I get exhausted, you guessed it, I get paranoid. Everything that causes me to struggle in January is ultimately all connected and it does all go back to the horrific time I had with my ex. He broke me, he broke my ability to focus on the good a new year can bring. He made me terrified of the unknown.
The past couple of days I had a friend come stay. A friend I’ve never met before until Thursday. She was currently touring around Europe and months ago said she could come stay with us. At this point in the year I’d forgot about the fact I fail to function normally in January. Before I knew it, everything was booked and January had started. I had nightmares for days of being the worst host ever, or being unable to speak to her. Any other time of the year I’d be excited. I love taking in foreign stray friends. But not in January. The weather didn’t help. It’s rained constantly since the 2nd January and the morning she was due to arrive I opened my curtains and burst into tears, which of course lead into a panic attack that she was going to have the worst time (and then she did have some terrible luck, poor thing). But I forced myself to go meet her at the station because although I was terrified, I couldn’t abandon her. And you know what? It was good. It was what I needed to focus on for a couple of days. I didn’t work, I was barely on social media and the best part was she was possibly the nicest, most inspirational and easiest to talk to person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. We NEVER ran out of things to say, and despite the weather we had a good time together. I felt for a short time in January, that the black void I’m so terrified of was smaller and more easier to manage. Thank you so much Sunae, your visit meant the world to me in more ways than I could ever express.
I hope in writing this, I help someone to feel less alone in January. Yes, a lot of people get the January Blues, it’s understandable as we’re all coming down from the festivities and celebration. But if there is anyone who feels so afraid and lost in January as I do, I hope you know that you’re not alone. As for me? I’m focusing on the fact that it’ll be soon be February and I can hate the middle of that month too, but thankfully it’s only over 2 days and before that I get to take my daughter to Disneyland Paris!